Day 2 was all about Meatville’s natural wonders. First stop was Ol’ Sticky – the world’s largest and most reliable barbeque sauce geyser. Ol’ Sticky is the crown jewel in Meatville’s famous Muttonchops Park. Erupting every sixty-two minutes, Ol’ Sticky releases over 400,000 gallons of mesquite-flavored goodness. Fun fact: Every August 30th, Meatvillagers celebrate Marinadia, an annual festival where the meats soak themselves in Ol’ Sticky’s gurgly spewage as a rite of renewal.
After seeing Ol’ Sticky burst forth with sauce, I patted myself with a moist towelette and made my way down to the Meatville Riveria – this is the upscale neighborhood that overlooks Meatville’s other geographic wonder – the Gravy River. Gravy River trickles slowly down to the south, providing the perfect conditions for sailing, snorkeling, and deep gravy diving.
I arranged a river tour on the famed Lumpy Princess – the private mini-yacht of Captain (“Cappy”) Drumpstick. Cappy regaled me of stories of the notorious Kielbasa Creature – a mythical sausage 100 feet long and with 20 different Polish spices. According to local legend, the Kielbasa Creature breeches the Gravy River, hugs lonely sailors and then returns to the murky thicks of the river. Sadly, I did not get a Kielbasa hug on my excursion.
