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Archive
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- April, 2007 (6)
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- February, 2007 (3)
- January, 2007 (5)
- November, 2006 (3)
- October, 2006 (1)
- September, 2006 (4)
- August, 2006 (4)
- July, 2006 (4)
- June, 2006 (4)
Mr. Pickles' Digital Mayhem
Tue, 2006-01-31 05:00.
I arrived at the Kokopelli’s home in Scottsdale this afternoon for a sit-down interview. Here’s an excerpt from my exclusive interview: How do you play a nose flute?
Well, this particular flute has special nose flanges. You just put your nostrils together and blow. What kind of hair product do you use?
It’s my own creation! I mix together a stick of butter and a cup of sand. Voila! What do you like best about Arizona?
Arizona is the home of my favorite things: the Grand Canyon, tumbleweeds (I married one once, but she blew away), and my best friend, Burro McMustang. Where else but in Arizona can I have this life? The answer, my friend, is nowhere. How do you explain your popularity?
Fertility gods get a lot of action, if you know what I mean (lots of winking). What’s next for Kokopelli?
I’m releasing a new CD of fertility nose flute tunes this year. Just listen to the songs once and you’re instantly pregnant! Then, it’s the talk show and reality show circuit… Dr. Phil, Tony Danza, The View and Celebrity Fit Club 4! At this point, Kokopelli started playing his nose flute for about 3 hours straight. And I think I might be pregnant.
Fri, 2006-01-20 05:00.
I got this picture of a dog named Mr. Pickles in the mail while I was gone on assignment. The weird thing is that I have the same exact outfit. Do we look like twins?  
Thu, 2006-01-19 05:00.
Well, you won’t believe what happened today. Some peregrine falcons flew into the area this afternoon. They swooped down, grabbed all of my llama friends and flew away. I’m not sure whether or not this is normal llama/falcon behavior. And I’m not sure where the flacons took the llamas, but I’m glad I got it all on camera. Stay tuned for the debut of what promises to be a very exciting llama documentary.
Wed, 2006-01-18 05:00.
I apologize for the delay in my blog entries. I had a bit of an unfortunate accident on the llama farm. Trying to drum up some excitement last Friday, I decided to throw my llama friends a party. I decorated their gathering spot with balloons and streamers, scheduled some sack races and egg-in-a-spoon activities, and set out some Pixie Stix and some Diet Mountain Dews. The llamas gorged themselves on the snacks even before we could get to the activities. Hopped up on sugar and caffeine, the llamas unleashed blind llama fury, the likes of which I’ve never seen. One minute, I’m trying to break up a llama rumble, the next I’m being strapped to an ambulance gurney – off to the hospital to be treated for llama hoof wounds to the head. I spent the weekend in Gary General and was discharged this afternoon. Technically, I have to spend one more day with the llamas. Wish me luck, blogheads!
Fri, 2006-01-13 05:00.
According to my agenda, Day 3 was supposed to be about llama likes and dislikes. Since I still haven’t been able to understand the llama language, here’s what I’ve ascertained:
Likes: being petted, straw hats, ham, sunny days, mini-muffins
Dislikes: Warrant, Red Vines, slugs
I also spent about a half hour trying to ride some of the llamas. This is when I added “being ridden” to the dislikes group.
Thu, 2006-01-12 05:00.
Have you ever been to a Hampton Inn before? They’re glorious! They serve continental breakfasts every morning! I had a bagel AND a mini-muffin. I left the A.L.P.A.C.A. around 8:00am. Since Day 1 was pretty devoid of action, I hoped to capture much more exciting footage today. To that end, I bought a boom-box and some 80’s metal CDs at a nearby electronics superstore. Would the llamas enjoy rockin’ out to Def Leppard? What response would Unskinny Bop elicit? I wanted to find out.I arrived at Llama Central, put in my Warrant CD first and pumped up the volume to 11. Another disaster! The boss tunes sent most of the llamas running, except Cherry Bomb who eats everything in sight. She proceeded to gooble up the boom box until all that was left was some silvery flecks in her mini llama beard. Bad, Cherry Bomb, bad!
Wed, 2006-01-11 05:00.
Drove myself down to Gary this morning. Lady Luck was on my side today; I found a smallish community of llamas about 20 minutes away from the Gary, IN Hampton Inn, which shall from here on out be referred to as Assignment Llama Provisional Apartment/Camp Accommodations (A.L.P.A.C.A.). As I was saying, I found this group of llamas pretty close by. FYI – a group of llamas is technically called a “crapload” of llamas. Weird, right? This crapload was pretty small. Only 5 llamas here. First order of business was to name them. Considering we were in the Hoosier State, I gave them all Mellancamp-inspired names:
Jack – Alpha male. Light brown fur. Very smart and handsome.
Diane – Alpha female. Curly blond fur. Palpable sexual tension with Jack. This could get steamy!
Cherry Bomb – Beta female. Black fur, covered in mud and/or feces. Prone to being excluded by others.
Pink Houses - Weird older male. Gray fur. Wears a straw hat.
Cougar – Baby female. Whose baby is this? A mystery I want to get to the bottom of!
Once everyone was named and labeled with my label gun, I led us in a fun ice-breaker – Two Truths And A Lie! I went first:
- I’ve TiVoed Dancing With The Stars
- While I hope Jerry Rice wins, I think Lisa Rinna will probably win Dancing With The Stars
- I can wiggle my ears
The game proved to be a dud, since the llamas pretty much ignored me and/or fell asleep. This may be a very long week.
Tue, 2006-01-10 05:00.
All righty! I’m heading off to Gary, IN to infiltrate the wild llama population. Wild llamas in Northwest Indiana? You bet! According to recent census data, there are roughly 800,000 wild llamas living in Indiana, mostly in the Gary-Valparaiso corridor.
Here are some more staggering llama facts:
- Llamas can talk! They have a language of hums and groans, very similar to Hungarian. Goulash Goulash!
- Millions of years ago, camels and llamas had an enormous turf war. Llamas won! All camels now live in Africa! (This is why llamas and camels are never in the same pens at zoos. They hate each other.)
- Unicorns are actually llamas with horns! I hope I see some unicorns in Indiana!
- Llama fur is edible! You can literally go up to a llama and start eating their fur – it tastes like cotton candy!
Here’s my checklist of things I have to pack for my trip: - Long microphone & big, black tape recorder
- Video camera & tripod
- Llama scent (so I can attract wild llamas to me)
- Cheese & crackers (in case I don’t like the taste of llama fur)
- Juice boxes
- Press pass
- Llama (Hungarian) phrase book
- Band-aids
Tomorrow I’m off….
Fri, 2006-01-06 05:00.
While I’m thinking about it, I also wanted to provide more details about my boss and editor, Harry Molar. He’s basically a foul-tempered tooth with a toupee and a moustache. He also graduated from Villanova in 1993, and claims to have been the center forward for the basketball team. See below for my drawing of Harry.
Thu, 2005-12-29 05:00.
What’s a five-letter word for “I love LINGO?” A-M-O-R-E! Do you know the Lingo? You can check it out on the Game Show Network website... Lingo : GSN - The Network For Games... but its like Bingo plus Junior Jumbles minus hysterical cartoon, but PLUS sexy co-host, Shandi Finnessey. Yes please, Tivo!
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