Mr. Pickles' Digital Mayhem

I bought myself a bullhorn this weekend. It is, by far, the best thing I’ve ever bought. I use it everywhere. This morning, I used it to yell at my cab driver to go faster. Awesome! When I got to work, I used it to tell the snack cart lady I wanted two bran muffins for breakfast. Then about 20 minutes later, I used it in the bathroom to tell my turds to come out of my butt. To sum up, bullhorns are excellent and can be used in many ways.

We hired a new copy editor at the Gold Coast Traveler last week. Her name is Myrna Gooch - no joke. Anyway, we took the Goocher out to lunch for her first day yesterday (Chicago Pancake Factory, naturally). I’m enjoying my short stack when I see Goocher take a drink of her 2% milk. Before she can swallow, she starts coughing and the milk comes streaming out
of her nose, which she quickly catches in her milk glass. Rather than run to the bathroom, she just wipes up and continues eating as if nothing happened.

I think I might be in love with the Goocher.

P.S. I dreamt that the Goocher and I were in that Whitesnake video last night. You know the one with that chick from Bachelor Party? It was awesome. Plus it reminded me what a great movie Bachelor Party is. Adrien Zmed, suspenders and wacky hi-jinks…really what could be better? Maybe I’ll invite the Goocher over to watch it tonight.

I know you’ve all been waiting for me to weigh in on the American Idol finale. Let me just say that I’ve needed a full day to absorb the importance of last night. Before I comment on the worst and best moments of the 2-hour extravaganza, I want to say that this finale was by far the best television I’ve ever watched in my entire life.

Down Low:
1. Mary J Blige. C’mon, MJ - the Screaming Yaminies wanted more Elliott! Let Snaggle have a moment! We love Elliott!
2. Daughtry. You heard me. He can take his beautifully sculpted eyebrows and shove them up his blowhole.
3. And shove Seacrest with his double lapel microphones up there while you’re at it.
4. And Clay Aiken’s hair.
5. And Chicken Little and the Littlest Cowboy and Paula Abdul and Al Jareau’s hat. Oh, and make some room for Meat Loaf and his red sweat rag.

The High Five:
1. Puck & Pickler. Taylor who? McPheever what? My TV actually cries when Pickler’s not on it. (I do too.)
2. Prince.
3. Prince’s back-up singers/dancers.
4. Ford commercial montage. Per my previous post, I’m hypnotized….
5. Simple majesty. Silent teary-eyed beauty. Thy name is Hasselhoff.

To sum up and in conclusion, American Idol is the best show ever and I can’t wait to see Pickler and the rest of the gang at the State Fair this summer! Yay!

Got my alumni newsletter today from Great Northern University (Home of the Fighting Gnus! GO GNU!). As you all know, I graduated from GNU’s journalism program back in 1998. As editor-in-chief of the student newspaper, the Daily Gnus, I led a staff of about 50 editors, reporters, photographers and graphic artists. So, when I get my quarterly alumni newsletter (gnusletter), I rip through it to see what my peeps have been up to.

Here are some of the notable updates:

Sanjay Gupta McGupta (’98) – After seven years as a senior editor for the medical journal Duodenum Times, Sanjay started his own publication called Duodenum City!, which he calls a “hipper, more urban look at the science of the small intestine”. Sanjay has also just published his first book, a mystery thriller called A Duodenum Came Knocking. Sanjay lives with his wife and two children in Excitement Falls, MI.

Kevin Alaska (’98) – Kevin was named Senior Chief Added Value Officer for White Board Industries in March. Kevin is responsible for the creation of the white board that you can hang in your shower so you can write your ideas down in the shower. The Shower White Board and Mini Shower White Board Jr., introduced in 2002, have sold more than 4 million units. Kevin married high school sweetheart Margaret last year in their hometown of Jumbo Hills, WI. She owns and operates a hammer museum.

Edna Forrest (’98) – Ferret freak Edna Forrest fostered her ferret fancy and founded Forrest’s Ferrets, a magazine for ferret enthusiasts. While unmarried, Edna writes that she can’t be considered “single” when she lives with 80 ferrets. Great point, Edna!

Sally Grubbs-McFart (’98) – Sally’s syndicated talk-show – Have A Grubbs-McFart Day! – won an Emmy last year Best Morning Banter. Have A Grubbs-McFart Day! can be seen in 48 markets nationwide, and in Guam! The show features interviews with celebrities and politicians, cooking tutorials and Sally’s daily gospel choir segment called The Grubbs-McFart Praise Moment!

Mr. Pickles (’98) – Mr. Pickles lives in Chicago and is a reporter for The Gold Coast Traveler. He sometimes runs 5K races.

Well, there you have it. So what if some of my classmates are married or have started their own magazines or have won major awards? I sometimes run 5Ks! And they’re hard! Anyway, I’m off to the local ferret store to see what that’s all about….

With Easter right around the corner, I wanted to share with you an excerpt from this article I read in this month’s Candy Times Gazette Journal.

What Does Your Jellybean Say About You?
by Walter Walterson

Can it be true that “you are what you eat”? The short answer is “yes, fool.” Look no further than the jellybean. Jellybeans come in a host of different flavors, and we all have our favorites, do we not? For example, people who love pina colada jellybeans are usually big, stupid idiots that wear Hawaiian shirts all year long. To wit, my Aunt Jane loves pina colada jellybeans so much, she moved to Hawaii and married a shirt-store owner. Stupid? Yes. And that’s Aunt Jane.

So, what does your favorite jellybean say about you?

Cherry - Simmer down, freakazoid! Cherry lovers are red-hot dynamos that play by their own set of whacked-out rules. If you see people picking out the cherries, be on high alert - they may explode at any time!
Orange - Ooh! Mr. Orange is the goofball of the bunch. You know that trick where your friend points to a “stain” on your shirt and you look down, only to have him slap you in the face? He’s an Orange Man.
Lemon - Lemon-lovers are sour, right? Nope - they’re the exact opposite. They’re so nice, it’s infuriating. They always have a positive outlook even in the grimmest of situations. They’re so sweet, you just want to punch them in their necks.
Green Apple - Slobs, all of ‘em.
Grape - You know the coolest kids in school? The ones who have flipped up collars on their jean jackets and who wear Vans? I guarantee they all eat grape jellybeans for breakfast. Oh, I wish I could trade places with them for just one day!
Licorice - Black jellybeans have been scientifically proven to the worst-tasting food on Earth. Originally, licorice jellybeans were created to feed prisoners. People who eat them therefore either have no tastebuds or have lost a bet. There’s really no other explanation.

Now, there are those people who chuck handfuls of differently flavored jellybeans in their mouth all at once, and are perfectly content. Well, the jury’s still out on these “flavor mixers”, but early indicators show that they’re a little bit country AND a little bit rock ‘n’ roll.