Mr. Pickles' Digital Mayhem

Oh Carbtown! You are truly a city of wonderment and delight. Even when it rains, it's not all that gloomy. Get this - the rain in Carbtown is actually sprinkles! Yum!

Last night, I met an enchanting young Carbtonian named Silly Jilly Jelly-Doughnut. She insisted on taking me on a walking tour around Carbtown's top-hat district. Did you know that 4% of the world's top hats are made in Carbtown? (FYI - the other 96% are made in Transylvania!)

Long story short, we ended up really enjoying Carbtown, despite the delicious rain.

PS. I just found out that my next trip is to Hong Kong. I'm stoked. I can't wait to compare and contrast Hong Kong to Carbtown. Where will there be similarities? Who knows?

Hey Reality TV Fans! Just because I'm in Carbtown, doesn't mean that I'm not hunting down a TV to watch my shows with my new friends.

Was last week a let-down or what? From Amazing Race to American Idol, I was disappointed across the board. Here's what's giving me a red rump this week:

1. Amazing Race. What the heck happened? Rob and Amber eliminated? Defeated by Mirna and Shmirna? It feels like I've just been kicked in the gut by a giant - that's how horrible I feel right now.

2. American Idol. SANJAYA survives another week??? Now I know why my remote has a mute button. My earholes simply can't take another week. (Oh yeah - I have earholes!)

3. America's Next Top Model. Is it me or are all of these girls really ugly?

4. Australia's Next Top Model. OK - these girls are h-h-h-hot!!!! Like set-my-freaking-face-on-fire hot. This show is now the highlight of my week. You know why? One word - ATONG!!!!

5. Survivor. It wasn't even on this week! SHEESH!

6. Dancing With The Stars. Still not on yet. SHANDI - don't you worry, though. I'll do my part come Monday night.

7. Las Vegas. that girl from 90210 got kidnapped, I think. I can't figure that one out. Las Vegas confuses me.

Remember last year when I went through the mystical hotdog factory meat locker and visited the magic land of Meatville? Well, I wanted to explore Meatville's nearest neighbor - Carbtown!  Carbtown's head of state - the Duke of Pancake- sent me a personal invitation to attend Carbtown's famous Starch Days, a week-long celebration honoring Carbtown's heritage. I was escorted through Carbtown by the Duke's chauffeur/pedicurist, Mr. Henry Potato.

On our first day, Henry took me on a tour of Carbtown's Waffle District. The streets are literally made out of waffles. Delicious! As we were winding down our tour, Henry took me to lunch at Carbtown's famous Mama Polenta's. Our lunch date was none other than Senor Chico Pretzel-Face, the Pulitzer Prize winning author of Funnel-Cake Fever. Check back tomorrow for a sneak-peek of my exclusive interview!

My TiVo is going to explode since the reality TV season is in full force.  So, let me tell you about my shows: 

Sunday night is Amazing Race.  As a travel reporter, I like this show because it gives me good ideas for future stories.  And I like this Charla character. Did you see her in that swimsuit?  I like that she and her partner basically kidnap locals.  Good strategy!

Monday is Dancing With The Stars.  I know it hasn't started yet.  But, I'm ready to predict the winner - SHANDI FINNESSEY!  You know why?  Because I love her!

Tuesdays/Wednesday/Thursday is IDOL!  OK, I feel a little I'm being cheated.  Let's start with the dudes.  Mop-Top, you're just aiiight.  Stop trying to be funny - it's not working.  Sanjaya, stop crying and man up!  Chrome Dome, two words: SONG SELECTION!  Seacrest, why do you have two microphones?

Idol ladies, your turn.  Melinda, you look like a wig with a face.  Celine Jr., it's time to go home.  Leslie Hunt, you can brings your weirdo leggings and red boots over to my apartment any time. I like scatting. 

My prediction to win - WigFace.   

Wednesday is also America's Next Top Model.  Did that one girl say she had a tarantula named Sassy?  She's my favorite.  (FYI - I'm picking Atong to win Australia's Next Top Model.  ATONG!!!!)

Thursday - SURVIVOR!  Zzzzz.  Zzzzz.  Snore.... Wh - what?  Oh, is Survivor on?  C’mon folks you’ve got a field of pineapples and an immunity idol in your backyard.  Yul would’ve found that stuff in the first 5 minutes!

Finally, Friday is Las Vegas!  I still can't figure out who people get kicked off this show.  That girl from 90210 is OK, but I think she's going to get voted off soon.  I pick Victoria's Secret to win. 

How do you like this? My downstairs neighbor is an actor, and he's just landed a part in this new play. It's about a young onion who's fallen in love with a horse. A timeless romance, right? But, he's been hanging these posters all over the building. Please note the low-riding pants. Cripes....

I'm all puffed up today, dear readers. Here's what's giving me a red rump - the staff of our sister publication, The TriBeCa Tourist. Our New York counterparts came into town for our annual Best Practices Mind-Meld (BPMM).

Us Gold Coasters spent at least a month preparing for the BPMM engineering the ice breaker (2 Truths & 1 Lie), selecting power snacks for breaks (M&Ms & Cheesy Bites), and picking out just the right font for the agenda (doy - ARIAL!).

Our excitement was shot to hell when the blackberries with Blackberries showed up. They were all clomping around in their kicky Italian shoes, beep-bop-booping and Blue-Toothing each other. They sniffed at our power snacks and asked for Toblerone and salads. They even suggested that Times New Roman was the better font. I was going to take them out to the Ferris Wheel at Navy Pier after the BPMM, but now those blackberries can go back to their hotel and sit on their bidets.

And PS, my 2 Truths and 1 Lie were as follows:

I like Cheesy Bites
I love Cheesy Bites
I hate Air Supply.

Can you spot the lie?

Welp, it turns out that my landlord, The Man, wasn't too thrilled with the idea of me installing video poker, video blackjack or any kind of gambling machine in my bathroom despite how much I told him it would increase the value of my property. It was no surprise though... he's shot down all of my great renovation ideas including the installation of a bookshelf hiding a secret room, a safe in the kitchen and a chocolate volcano on the rooftop. I think he's crazy and when I get my own place, you better believe that these dreams will be coming to life and I will be on the Gold Coast Tour of Condos.

Without the bathroom video poker, I'm down to one new year's resolution: learning something new everyday. Dolly-Sue and I are email pals now, exchanging our Facts of the Day (or FOTDs). We pick a theme each week and alternate researching cool new facts. Here's some of the gems so far:

Week 1 Theme: Fire Ants

Fact: Fire ants are ants (well doy!) whost bites sting like fire (double-doy!). In Spanish, they're called Hormiga Colorada (red ant) or Hormiga Brava (surly ant). In Portuguese, they are called Formiga de Fogo (fire ant). Facinating!!

Week 2 Theme: College Mascots

Fact: Although their team is now the Cardinals, Stanford does not officially have a mascot. Instead they have some band weirdo running around dressed as a tree. The core mission of the Tree? "Rocking out and bringing funk to the funkless." Not kidding...that's a quote.

I can tell that the learning is making me smarter! I've shaved 10 minutes off the time it takes me to complete the Tribune's Junior Jumbles.

Ahoy-hoy!  I’m reporting in from the Golden Bucket casino here in Las Vegas.  My assignment: Learn about Las Vegas showgirls’ New Years resolutions.   I had Manny drop me off to meet with the ladies first thing.   Krystalle, Chanelle, Shantelle, Montelle, and Dolly-Sue did not disappoint. 

Here's a run-down of the resolutions for the girls:

Krystalle:  Sexier hair extensions
Chantalle: Routines with more kicks
Shantelle: Not getting fake tanner on feathers or sparkly leotard (both difficult to dry clean)
Montelle:  To meet Montel
Dolly-Sue: Learn something new everyday. 

I was smitten with Dolly Sue after hearing her resolution.  What an aspiration!  What a lady!  I decided that was my resolution too!  To be a student of life…at least for 2007.  I left the ladies energized and ready to go learn.  But first, I had to check in and lose my luggage.  And that, friends, is where it all went downhill. 

Upon checking in, I noticed that there was a slot machine in my hotel room bathroom.  I literally spent all week on the toilet with a bucket of quarters.  Damn you, Double Diamonds! 

My NEW New Year’s resolution: learn something new everyday and install video poker machine in my bathroom at home.