Mr. Pickles' Digital Mayhem

Ahoy, friends!  I get dozens of letters from readers every day, and I usually throw them out.  But, I actually read one recently and thought I would answer as part of a new Blog Feature - Mr. Pickles' Mail Sack!

"Dear Mr. Pickles,

Do you have any tattoos?

Sincerely,
Mim Slo-Tar
East Jesusville, Arkansas"

Great question, Mim.  I do not have any tattoos, but I've been thinking a lot about getting one lately.  Like most teens these days, I've been keeping a tattoo journal, which catalogs all of my tattoo ideas and I've narrowed it down to six.  

1.  "The Tupac".  Hey, home-slices!  I'm hip to the hippity-hippity-hop!   (You don't stop!)  And, what better way to show my "props"  to my dizzle fa-snizzle Tupac than by getting his famous tat replicated on my belly?  He would have been very proud!  

2.   "The Italian".  As a pickle, I can't grow hair. I recently went to the Italian Riveria resort town Cinque-Tortellini and was amazed by all the body hair.  I think the only way I can get a spicy Italian mama to notice me is to get some hair inked on.  Mr. Pickles wants some Italian sugar!!!

3.  "Birds".  Did you know that sailors in ancient sailor days got birds tattooed on their chest as a sign that they were well-travelled?  It's true.  And, as a reporter for Chicago's seventh best travel magazine, I think this is a really appropriate design!  Chirp Chirp!  

4.  "Draco!".  I call this one Draco, because he's a dragon, get it?  Dragons are ferocious and so am I.  That's what I'm telling the world when I get this bad-boy!  

5.  "Prepster".  On the other hand, I'm also what the ladies call "metro-sexual", which means I polish my shoes regularly and I drive a Passat.  From what I understand, us "metros" also like to dress up.  Since I don't really wear clothes, I though I'd just get an alligator inked onto my chest.  Clever, huh?

6.  "Huck".  My cousin, Mr. Friend, said I should just get something that I really like a lot and will behappy with for the rest of my life.  I can't think of anything that brings more joy to my life than Huckleberry Hound comics.  So, this one is the leading candidate.  

What do you think, readers?  

My favorite piece of mail upon returning to Chicago was Mr. Friend's latest New Yorker submission. 

It took me longer than I expected to find Professor Shitake in this futuristic land of Hong Kong.   A Kowloon night market vendor tipped me off to the Professor's location after I bought 10 miniature statues of Mao and some dragon's breath candy (which is basically a Kellogg's Mini Wheat and should never be confused with candy!)   When I found the Professor's hideaway, I was greeted by his new wife, Professor Porcini- a lovely Italian bird that he met in Milan.  Together they had been working on inventions, theorems, hypotheses, and new fuel concepts to power Turtle Jet Packs and reduce Hong Kong's reliance on power pellets.  I spent the afternoon with the Professors and their man-servant, Dr. ChowChow, learning about the energy crisis of the future and brainstorming on possible solutions.  Here were my contributions:

- Have Turtles take the train on Sundays

- Put more quarters into the clouds to create more pellets

- Go to the Kowloon night market with your own bag, instead of taking paper or plastic

The Professors were grateful for my contributions and said that they would take the DeLorean into the future to confirm that I would win a Nobel Prize.  My work here in Hong Kong is done.   

Stardate 2007: I landed in Hong Kong to learn that it has evolved and I am now in the future. Turtles fly around with jet packs, Picachu are over-populated and operate all of the cabs and Vivienne Westwoods. Power pellets are the currency and rain from the sky when you eat floating strawberries and jump over barrels. I decided that I should seek out my old teacher, Professor Shitake. When I last saw him 20 years ago, Professor Shitake stole some plutonium, got into his DeLorean, and beep-bop-booped the flux compacitor. Surely he must have landed in this land of the future.

Allo Gov'nors!

So, I spent the entire day yesterday lost in Harrods - one of the most ginormous department stores in the world (literally over 1million square feet of selling space). I went in for a toothbrush. It took me seven hours to find one. Here's a not-so-fun fact: If you need to pee in Harrods, you either have to buy something or pay £1. That's like $2.50 American!!!

Once I got my toothbrush and a map to the exit, I passed through Harrods new hookah bar. Big mistake. There's a pretty big water-pipe-smoking demographic in London, so I thought I'd give it a go. I met a giant caterpillar and he suggested I try something he called Summer Breezes. Well, friends, there was definitely "something" blowing through the jasmine of my mind this afternoon.

To make a long story short, I'm pretty sure I spent the night making out with the statue in the middle of Piccadilly Square in front of about 700 Japanese tourists. Can't wait to leave London....

Hey Team! Did you know that Stonehenge is overrun with sheep? It's true! England's Ministry of Druid Landmarks is considering shutting down Stonehenge and relinquishing the whole area to the sheep. They say "It's what the Druids would have wanted." I disagree. They're going to ruin the ruins! harharhar!

After a quick nap to relieve my jetlag, I was ready to hit Londontown! I started my tour by walking along the Thames to soak in London's historical sites and visit museums. Tower of London was my first stop and if my trip to London had to end here, that would be fine with me. This place is great!

I learned so much today about kings, queens, sorcery, moats, religious disputes, treachery and ravens. Did you know that there are 8 ravens kept in the Tower of London at all times? King Charles II was told by a sorcerer that if the ravens ever left, England would fall. So, now they've got to have ravens there all the time. They're kept by an actual person called the Ravenmaster. The oldest raven to live at the Tower was named Jim Crow (for reals) and lived to be 44! I wonder what you have to have on your resume to become the next Ravenmaster!

Second on my top museum/historic places list was The Clink. This is one of London’s oldest prisons and the namesake for all other jails known as “The Clink.” This place is much smaller, but still pretty entertaining due to its old school displays and descriptions of London’s prison system, inmates, old laws and torture devices. Picture bad wax dummy displays of dudes trying to catch a rat for dinner and people in balls & chains. At the end there is an interactive display where you can put your foot in “the boot”, feel how heavy a ball & chains are and place your head on the executioner’s block. There’s even a sign that says “Photo Opportunity”… I’ll say!

No museum tour is complete without a gift shop visit. Here’s the skinny in case you’re going just for souvenirs:

Best Gift Shop: Tower of London

- On directory list, it says "Kings and Queens", "Armoury", "Bookshop", "Tower" and "Torture." Sweet!

- China animals like foxes and rabbits dressed in Victorian outfits...classy!

- Toy where you can re-enact a beheading

- Chainmail!

Worst Gift Shop: The Click Prison Museum

A handful of pencils and some ghost figurines. I was really hoping to add to my patch collection with one that said “I Survived the Clink” or something cheesy like that.

My trip to Carbtown ended prematurely when I received an email from Harry Molar telling me that we were having a mandatory team meeting this week.  I told my friends, Silly Jilly Jelly Doughnut and Senor Chico Pretzel-Face, that I would be back soon to continue my tour and do that book review and headed back to Chicago.

It turns out the Gold Coast publishing house has requested a special 5 year anniversary edition celebrating international locations.  Here’s a quick preview:

-Myrna Gooch is heading to Brazil to cover Tiradentes, a kind of independence day inspired by rebel and tooth puller- Joaquim José da Silva Xavier.  
- Harry Molar’s heading to Toronto to cover the Canada Cup- National Floorboard & Maple Syrup Chugging Championships
- Whiskers has been promoted from janitor/handyman and is taking a safari in Africa
…And I’ve got double duty- first off to London and then Hong Kong.  

With 2 cities to cover, I wasted no time getting tickets and heading out.  I boarded my flight to London last night and I’m already in love. Awesomeness from British Airways flight:

1) Bag with eyemask, toothbrush and toothpaste and random socks that I guess people are supposed to kick their shoes off and wear on the flight. My neighbor in 20J didn’t use anything else, but ripped this bag open with relish to put these socks on.

2) Instead of SkyMall: HIGH LIFE SHOPS magazine complete with duty free goodness…no giant crosswords. Booze, cosmetics, toys, and more…I told myself I wasn’t going to buy anything, but did anyway.  Livin’ the high life indeed!  

3) They asked if we wanted newspapers and then handed out the DAILY MAIL. Articles about baby badgers, the hardest mini crossword (literally 4 squares) and an advertisement for some kind of weight-loss contraption that doubles as a mechanical bull.  

If this is any indication of how fun London will be, I can’t wait to land!  

Mr. Friend's been at it again...I wish I could see the New Yorker's comic editor's face when he opens the envelope with this gem.

AHOY FRIENDS! Ready for another Reality Roundup? Let's get it on!!!

1. Dancing! With The Stars - Who else was about to poop their pants tonight. Shandi was awfully close to elimination tonight! Shandi - you need a gimmick to set yourself apart. Can I recommend an artificial leg? Or a mullet? You can't expect Chuck Woollery to bail you out every week!

2. American Idol. Did you see Wigface's wig last week? She looked like Tootie from Facts of Life. Where's Mrs. Garrett? Remember when Tootie "became a woman" on that one episode? AWESOME!!!

And, does anyone else think that Phil Stacey is going to eat their soul? He looks like a vampire + ghost
combo monster. I hope he goes home next; he scares me!

3. Australia's Next Top Model. I missed last week. Is Atong still on? She's my FAVORITE!!!

4. America's Next Top Model. This show is full of uglies. And, what does "fierce" mean? I don't
quite understand.....

5. Amazing Race. "We're going to trade you for food" was the quote of the season. What kind of food
would you get for Charla? A filet mignon with two scoops of ice cream, if you ask me!

6. Survivor. I'm so bored right now. I'm going to read a magazine next week. Or do my taxes.
Anything would be more interesting.

7. Las Vegas. I think this show is off now. I need a new 7th show to watch.... Suggestions? Is The Hills any good? That seems like a good one.....