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The last few weeks were a blur of activity - office parties, gift exchanges, family visits, etc., I hardly had any time to write any of my hilarious blogs. Since the end of the year/beginning of the new year is the time we love reading lists the most, here’s my holiday wrap-up in list form. ENJOY!

Best Gift (non-Grandma):
Noise-cancelling headphones, from Mom and Dad. Take that, noise! I just gave you the Shift-Alt-Delete.

Best Gift (Grandma):
A Ziploc bag full of meatballs

WORST Gift:
A box full of mustaches, from Mr. Friend. he found a case at the Beard Academy and wrapped it in the Sunday Funnies.

Best Holiday Cookies:
Those peanut butter deals with the Hershey Kisses.

Worst Holiday Cookies:
No-bake oatmeal turds.

Best Christmas Special on TV:
The one with Heat-Miser.

Worst Christmas special on TV:
The Christmas edition of “Deal or No Deal”. Banker, why are you such a Scrooge?!?!?

5 Other Great Things About The Holidays:
1. All office gifts instantly regifted to aunts/uncles
2. Plenty of time to catch up on my Tivo’d shows
3. Going to mass - at MIDNIGHT!
4. Holiday sweaters
5. Stocking stuffers

And 5 Other Crap Things About The Holidays:

1. Lots of songs about snow and NO SNOW!
2. Distant relatives who insist on hugging
3. Weight October 1 - 170lbs. Weight January 1 - 9 metric tons
4. Getting an Applebee's gift card from my boss, Harry Molar, for the 3rd year in a row. Dude! There's a Chili's right next door!
5. Having to take down my Christmas tree and wait another 335 days to put up another one.

First trip of the new year is on! I flew in to Las Vegas yesterday for a story on the new years resolutions of Las Vegas showgirls. This means a week in Sin City, all expenses paid!

Well, I don't know if my first few hours here will be any indication of the rest of the trip, but let's just say that I'm having second thoughts. I get in my cab at the airport, and my cab driver is a complete weirdo. He introduces himself as Madagascar Manny. I seriously thought we were going to be in an accident before I had the chance to blow my chips at the Slots o’ Fun. It seems that Madagascar Manny couldn’t keep his eyes on the road. You see, the cab was rigged with a video camera. I thought it was for my Taxicab Confessions, but Manny was really just recording his audition tape for a new reality TV show – Paradise Goat Island…while speeding down Tropicana Avenue.

And then to top it off, he farts on his heated seat. It was like microwaving a turd. This trip can only get better, right?

Ahoy-hoy!  I’m reporting in from the Golden Bucket casino here in Las Vegas.  My assignment: Learn about Las Vegas showgirls’ New Years resolutions.   I had Manny drop me off to meet with the ladies first thing.   Krystalle, Chanelle, Shantelle, Montelle, and Dolly-Sue did not disappoint. 

Here's a run-down of the resolutions for the girls:

Krystalle:  Sexier hair extensions
Chantalle: Routines with more kicks
Shantelle: Not getting fake tanner on feathers or sparkly leotard (both difficult to dry clean)
Montelle:  To meet Montel
Dolly-Sue: Learn something new everyday. 

I was smitten with Dolly Sue after hearing her resolution.  What an aspiration!  What a lady!  I decided that was my resolution too!  To be a student of life…at least for 2007.  I left the ladies energized and ready to go learn.  But first, I had to check in and lose my luggage.  And that, friends, is where it all went downhill. 

Upon checking in, I noticed that there was a slot machine in my hotel room bathroom.  I literally spent all week on the toilet with a bucket of quarters.  Damn you, Double Diamonds! 

My NEW New Year’s resolution: learn something new everyday and install video poker machine in my bathroom at home.   

Welp, it turns out that my landlord, The Man, wasn't too thrilled with the idea of me installing video poker, video blackjack or any kind of gambling machine in my bathroom despite how much I told him it would increase the value of my property. It was no surprise though... he's shot down all of my great renovation ideas including the installation of a bookshelf hiding a secret room, a safe in the kitchen and a chocolate volcano on the rooftop. I think he's crazy and when I get my own place, you better believe that these dreams will be coming to life and I will be on the Gold Coast Tour of Condos.

Without the bathroom video poker, I'm down to one new year's resolution: learning something new everyday. Dolly-Sue and I are email pals now, exchanging our Facts of the Day (or FOTDs). We pick a theme each week and alternate researching cool new facts. Here's some of the gems so far:

Week 1 Theme: Fire Ants

Fact: Fire ants are ants (well doy!) whost bites sting like fire (double-doy!). In Spanish, they're called Hormiga Colorada (red ant) or Hormiga Brava (surly ant). In Portuguese, they are called Formiga de Fogo (fire ant). Facinating!!

Week 2 Theme: College Mascots

Fact: Although their team is now the Cardinals, Stanford does not officially have a mascot. Instead they have some band weirdo running around dressed as a tree. The core mission of the Tree? "Rocking out and bringing funk to the funkless." Not kidding...that's a quote.

I can tell that the learning is making me smarter! I've shaved 10 minutes off the time it takes me to complete the Tribune's Junior Jumbles.